Because sometimes we
need a different sort of pain.
We never search it,
yet we crave for it.
“What do you say when there’s nothing to be said? “
This is
what you would have seen if you had taken a glance at Tom’s thoughts. Still, a
hole in our main character’s head wouldn’t be the best choice for a beginning,
would it?
Tom
considered himself to be depressed. Some would say that he was rather bored
and, maybe, he was. He was bored of life. He never said it out loud, he never
complained about it, he didn’t even try to cure it. Tom learned to accept his
condition the way you learn to embrace your mother’s dancing moves. No matter
how hard you want her to stop, she’ll just keep going in front of all your acquaintances
and relatives. Therefore, you end up ignoring her, telling yourself: “Eh,
there’s been done no harm, at least.” Deep down, though, you’ll keep begging
for her to finish her representation.
And this is
what Tom was doing with his own mind.
The best
way to picture Tom is lain down on his back in the center of his bedroom,
trying to see the clouds through the ceiling. Why does he do that? I mean, why
not. He stands there, with his arms pulled under his head, thinking
about...just thinking. Nobody really knows what his thoughts are. Maybe,
sometimes, Tom doesn’t know either.
Tom sees himself as a screw-up and, sometimes, he is right. Yet, usually, he couldn’t
be more wrong. You see, it is just a lot easier to consider yourself a failure
and settle for that, instead of getting up and trying to actually do something
in order for things to change. It doesn’t suit him, though. There’s nothing
easy about Tom or his life or his mind. This boy beats himself up with any
given occasion and has this annoying tendency of going through past events over
and over again, analysing each and every word he said, from every gesture or action, to
almost counting breaths and blinks.
Some may
say that he finds pleasure in complicating his life. Still, pleasure may not be
the correct term, neither satisfaction, nor accomplishment. Tom puts himself
through tough times so he can feel alive, so he can sit there in his room,
watching the clouds through the ceiling, knowing he deserves to be in this
world, knowing he earned his place on this planet. After all, the more life
refuses to give you lemons, the more you crave for a glass of lemonade. And Tom
used to be that guy that searched for lemons and kept doing so until, one day,
he could no longer see the point in finding them.
